This Shit Is Hard: Mind if I bitch and moan for a bit?
Did anything even matter before our firstborn came along? These days memories are based on BC or AC (before child/after child) and everything since child has been a whirlwind.
Theo turned 2 on May 1st and we celebrated by having him and his classmates and friends over to Gymboree for a fun hour or two of tumbling, climbing and egg-free cake. Then he rang in his second birthday on the actual day with an asthma diagnosis.
Having a child is a constant science experiment and there’s only so much we as parents can control and even more that is beyond our control. We can do everything “right” and things like asthma and astigmatism (yup, yet another thing I learned he also has in one eye) and colds and bruises and food allergies can happen… and these aren’t even the worst things that could happen to a child so I feel bad that I even complain about it but I’m really worn out right now.
There are days when I have to remind myself that while my child isn’t able to eat eggs or that he possibly needs glasses, that this is still part of life, and these things are fairly normal and we are still extremely fortunate and I should focus on the good.
Still, though, I go through bouts where I feel like it’s all really hard and no matter what I do the guilt just nags at me or I feel like I’m not doing enough and that I could be a better mom. The Husband has a full-time job that he still has to do when he gets home but he steps up and I am grateful. Because I’m the one with a much more flexible schedule I’m still the one who has to keep things in check - doctor’s visits, medication, schedules, school calendars, groceries, housekeeping, my own shit… sometimes I wish I could go a month where he doesn’t get sick or has something else weird happen. Or just two whole weeks. That would be great.
But we get through it, don’t we? We take a deep breath and we power through our own ailments, aches and pains. We suck it up, get them fed and dressed and off to school. But it’s not all bad and if I really think about it there’s much more good things and good days than sucky ones. There are as many moments that make me smile than the ones where I want to cry. Like when it’s the witching hour and I’m on the verge of a breakdown, but then his tiny fingers wrap around mine or when I’m picking him up from school and I’m greeted with a, “HI MAMA!” followed by his arms grabbing me at the knees and then reaching up to be held… it’s quite the endorphin rush.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this… I guess, just in case you’re also feeling overwhelmed more than you are blissful in your new-mom life, then I hope this provides you with some comfort that you’re not the only one who feels like, more often than not, it’s all a lot. And of course it’s worth it! Yeah, I’m supposed to say that, but it’s true and I believe it. I mean, sometimes it doesn’t exactly feel like it, but frankly I wouldn’t change a thing.
Except maybe the food allergy and astigmatism.
